My Best Friend's Baby

How do you mother yourself?

2009-04-28T16:09:00.001-07:00

How do you mother yourself?

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Pull Up A Seat

2008-01-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

When was the last time you had a girls' night out with your best bud?

Before she had the baby, right?

Hey Mom, when was the last time you wore enjoyed a neon-colored drink and it didn't have Elmo on the glass?

Welcome to My Best Friend's Baby!

I’ve been on both sides of the coin: the clueless but well-meaning friend of a new mom, and as of summer 2005, the new mom. When I was three weeks pregnant, I came up with the story of two best friends - one a savvy single woman and the other a stay-at-home mama - who switch bodies and then have to live each other's lives.

After I finished that book, I wanted to do more to bridge the gap between women whose friendships have been rattled by a new baby! Yes, life gets a bit complicated by pregnany, babies and kids but trust me, there's no "us" or "them" when it comes to a real friendship. There's just us girls who want to keep our friendships strong and everlasting.

Fellow blogger and author Bethany Hiitola tells it like it is in Motherhood is a Bitch.

If you just found out your best bud is uh, budding, here are some ideas for a rockin' Mama Shower!

Is your best friend's baby shower this Saturday and you can't find a great gift? Here's a great idea under $50.

Hey Mom, round up the girl posse for drinks! You'll be glad you did and if you don't drink alcohol, here are some cocktails that will allow you get drunk on love!

Keep coming back for more ideas, book reviews and essays!

Cheers,
Mary "The Mama Grande" Castillo

Bookshelf: Little Dude (and Dude-ette) Reads

2008-01-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

My two-year old did something rather extraordinary the other night.

He couldn't fall asleep. I went in three times and at a quarter to nine, I gave up and went to brush my teeth. When I tip-toed by his bedroom, I heard him singing to himself. An hour later when all was silent, I crept into his room to find that he'd plucked a book off his shelf and fell asleep on page three.

Victory!

If you want to give books as gifts (and not just Goodnight Moon or Where the Wild Things Are), here are some of my Little Dude's favorite reads. Also, if you're buying for a little person, go for the board books. They can take a lot of wear and tear and its easy for little fingers to turn the pages.

A tender, loving story about a penguin parent and his/her baby. The Little Dude and I like to act out each page, for example when we get to, "I like it when you hold my hand," we hold our hands and laugh. The writing has a simple, lilting cadence that he imitates and is perfect for nighttime reading.

We found this book at our local indepenent, The First Page. My Little Dude plucked it off the shelf and we read it four times in the store. We couldn't have left unless we bought it! He knows this book backwards, forwards, upside down and in circles. But I like it because the story helps him understand concepts like coming and going, on and off, small and large, etc.

Not only is this book great for showing colors, but also opening up the conversation about emotions. We've been reading it since the Little Dude was eleven months and now that he's two, he is now understanding the emotions associated with the different colors. I feel its important to teach that its okay to have feelings, even negative ones. The challenge is teaching someone how to channel them so they're not destructive and a book like this has been a good step for us.

What I love about the Curious George stories is that they teach kids about mistakes and how they can fixed. I've been reading this one since my Little Dude was a newborn. Over the last two years, he has gone from learning to turn the pages to identifying the objects in the book (bunny, bird, monkey, tree), and now yelling "oh oh!" when George loses the bunny.

New Motherhood is a Bitch

2007-11-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

by Bethany Hiitola

And I don't mean that in a bad way--it's just hard. When I had my first child (my son), I had no idea what to really expect. I mean, sure I read all of the books, talked to friends who had kids, and thought I knew what to expect. But then comes baby, and nursing every 2 hours at 40 minutes a shot, and exhaustion, and phone calls every 20 minutes from family with congratulations when all you really want to do is sleep, the laundry, diaper blow outs, the newborn hiccup sounds the jerk you awake in panic, exploding breasts, oh and the myriad of other new motherhood things that no one ever prepares you for. But really, how can they? Motherhood (like labor) is different for all of us.

However, during it all, I just really wanted someone to talk to. Someone who was also new to motherhood, who understood, and could tell me that walking into parenting isn't always an easy process. That most days you will be a walking zombie. You'd be judged and guilt ridden. And completely winging it most (and every) days. Then there is the idea that you really do want to find yourself AFTER becoming a mom--because becoming a mom, really does do something to your self-image. And I am not talking about the physical part. Suddenly you are responsible for a being--a child--your child, and how the hell are you supposed to go back to normal?

Unfortunately, when I was going through that part of adjusting to motherhood--no one was around. Really, it was a location thing. I was in northern Illinois and my closest friends were over 450 miles away in Michigan. Sure, there were mothers everywhere in my neighborhood. It sounds easy to reach out to them, doesn't it? As a new mom, well, it is damn hard. In fact, with already pre-formed play-groups based on children's ages and mother's likes and friendships, well it was a complex relationship that intimidated me. Being sleepless and not-so-myself compounded the issue too, I was far to disheveled to want to be extroverted and sociable.

How did I survive? E-mail. Chatting online. Text messaging. Blogging. Having friends miles away meant getting creative in how I dealt with the stressfulness of being a new mom. And being a writer, well it was natural to move to the written word. Only this time, I shared all of my writing. In fact, I threw it in front of them--in their inboxes, sending instant messages, and making their cell phones chirp with messages from me. Whether I was whining, crying, screaming, or just venting--well I let them know. And I even published some of this information on my blog--then if I wasn't actively screaming at them personally, they could check in on me. Even when I wasn't pro-actively trying to get them to listen.

Ah, my girlfriends! What they put up with for me! And they did gracefully. So much so, that when a "newer" friend of mine just had a baby--her first--I knew I needed to pay my friends' kindness forward. Knowing she didn't have a lot of family or friends in the area, it was almost a given that she'd find herself a bit alone, challenged, and maybe even frustrated with motherhood. So, I needed to reach out. And it was easy--we were both expecting babies within 3 weeks of each other. And luckily, her baby came first!

At the moment she sent a text message announcing her beautiful daughter's birth, I sent encouraging messages to her in return. I checked in (via text message) at day 3 and 4. I sent nice e-mails and small pick me up gifts. And I gave her the opportunity to vent to me, to ask questions, to just talk. I didn't want to bother her incessantly with phone calls (God knows you get enough of those from well-intentioned family members that don't realize they are either waking you or the baby). So I stuck with electronic means. When she did call me, you know what I did? LISTENED. If she asked for advice (and she did. Particularly about breastfeeding), I offered any help I could offer. When she e-mailed to ask about child care and how I manage it with work--I offered my experiences as something to think about. And when it came time for her to go back to work, I cried with her via e-mail when she shared her heart and feelings with me.

All this mothering is hard. Damn hard. The last thing I would want for someone I call a friend is for them to do it alone. If you are like me, sometimes you think you can do it alone. And most of the time, we can. But sometimes, it just makes it a bit easier to have a friend to help you along. Don't take a smile and nod to mean that all is well in the world of your friend's new venture into motherhood (we do this all the time--or at least I did, and all it meant is that at that moment, I didn't want to talk about it). Give her an opportunity to talk if she needs to. Even if it is electronically.

Now my hope is that my friend, someday will look back and appreciate my openings for her to talk. Whether she knows it or not, she's already helped me. Remember we were pregnant together right? Yep, you guessed it. Just after the birth of my daughter, I got a text message from her, asking how I was and of course, opening the door for us to get together virtually or in person to talk. That my friends, is a form of paying it forward--motherhood style.

Bethany Hiitola is the author of Potpartum Euphoria and the blog, Mommy Writer.

Five Cheap But Great Holiday Gifts

2007-11-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

We're all a little tight in the money department come holiday season, but I gotta tell ya, the gifts that get the most ohh's and ahh's are the ones that you make.

Here are some ideas:

If you love to bake, why not whip up a platter of cookies or a special dish your friend can take to a family potluck?

If you're handy with the camera, get her brood together for a holiday portrait or tag along with them when they pick out a Christmas tree! Personally, I love great candids rather than the posed-in-front-of-the-fire, matching-sweater photo.

If you can speak the HTML lingo, offer to make a simple website or blog where she can post pictures for far-away amily and friends.

Host a "girls night in" party at your pad and do something like a book exchange in which everyone brings two or three books and swaps with each other.

Offer to babysit so she can go get a facial or a massage (even better, hint to her husband that he should pay for it!).

A Super Hero Christmas!

2007-11-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

Photo: "Under the Mistletoe" from Art.com

Hmm what to get your friend's little angel:

Toys made overseas ... judging by the news, it'll be recalled in January.

A miniature drum kit ... you suck.

A bike ... dude, that's what grandparents are for!

F-it, I'll just get a box and fill it with wrapping paper.

If you have little people - nieces, nephews or honorary nieces and nephews - and have no idea what to get them, I've got your back.

You can't go wrong with a Wonder Woman onesie. The long sleeves in winter time make it practical. However, with this gift you are empowering a young girl to embrace strength and justice.

To the little dude on your list, forever will you be the cool auntie when he can run around in a shirt and cape. The cape is detachable when he konks out after bringing truth, justice and the American way on the playground.

But I want my friend's kid to read (check out the Little Dude's Bookshelf)

What No Mother Ever Wants to Hear

2007-10-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

Did you read the latest that a judge has ordered that Britney Spears turn over custody of her children to Kevin Federline?

If not, I'm sure you have by now and frankly, my heart breaks for her and her boys.

Okay wait, hear me out. I know she's a wreck. I absolutely agree with the judge based on the stories I've read that her children are not safe with her. However, I have compassion for Ms. Spears.

In my opinion, this is a young woman who was not prepared to become an adult. If you think about it, she has been sexualized since she was a pre-teen and that's gotta mess with your head. It seemed like the moment she turned 21, she was reeling from all the choices and temptations that a celebrity has at their feet. (Remember that video in which she kills herself in a Vegas hotel room? That was before KFed!)

Choices and temptations can either overwhelm you, or you make them work to your advantage like Jennifer Lopez and Madonna did. Then again, they had childhoods. They built their careers as young women, not as children controlled by a mother and a manager.

But for Britney, adulthood has brought one tidal wave after another. Perhaps she thought that a husband and children would anchor her, that they would be the only people in this world who wouldn't want to live off of her. She probably did her best and we all know that at 21 years old, we don't exactly have the best judgment in men, jobs or money.

As for motherhood ... whether you're 15 or 51, you're always in over your head. You always make mistakes and say things you shouldn't have said. Even those of us who have postponed or changed careers to make our little people the center of our world, we secretly fear that one day we'll be found out. That someone will see that we're not perfect, or even close to perfect and because of it, they'll want to take our kids away.

So this custody development is just one more tidal wave crashing onto Britney. I hope she'll swim up to the top, take responsibility for her life and be the woman and mother she had at one time hoped to be.

Vaya con Dios, Britney.

What I Would Give New Mama Salma Hayek

2007-09-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

It wouldn't be a Belle baby carrier or a cashmere baby blanket (which Baby Valentina would "bless" one way or the other!). I would give her a gift in words, the same words that a random stranger gave me in a gift store in Rosarito.

He said, "Stop looking for the perfect person, unless you're perfect. Which of course, you're not."
Since then, those words have morphed to fit the sometimes uncomfortable shoes of a new mom. I promised my son that I wouldn't try to make him into a perfect person. I wouldn't even try to be a perfect mom. I would just love him unconditionally and let him be the man he's destined to become.

Some days its easier to remember that promise. But then there are days when I just want him to be the exact opposite of who he is, which is strong willed and unyielding. At least those traits will serve him well if he decides to become a prosecutor!

Felicidades Salma and welcome to the world, Valentina!

Showering: Cool Mama Bag for Under $50

2007-09-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

I was walking through Target the other day and thought of a great gift idea that will cost you less than $50.

Take the Merona Organizational Tote Diaper Bag (complete with a ful-size changing pad) and add Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Butter and Mama Bee Leg & Foot Creme (Target carries this product line) with a personalized music CD of songs that she can sing to the baby.

Trust me, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Stars and Wheels on the Bus get stale real quick!

Total cost less the CD (you can get a pile of them at Office Depot) is $40.99! But the gift will look chic yet festive when you shove in some bright pink or turquiose tissue paper.

Here's a suggested song list, assuming that you (a) have these CDs in your collection, or (b) subscribe to a music service that allows you to purchase songs for a buck. Or, think about some of your favorite songs that have a special meaning to you that you'll pass along to your mama buddy and the baby!

So This Is Love from the Cinderella soundtrack

How Much Do I Love You by Diana Krall, Love Scenes

Walk The Line by Johnny Cash, The Legend of Johnny Cash

Let It Be by The Beatles, The Beatles 1

Behind The Clouds by Brad Paisley, Cars soundtrack

How Deep Is the Ocean by Diana Krall, Love Scenes

Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way Around

All You Need Is Love by the Beatles, The Beatles 1

The Four Things I No Longer Wish For

2007-09-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

1. A quiet lunch ... When we go to restaurants with the Little Dude, my husband and I don't really taste what we're eating. We shovel in some grub with one eye on the boy in case he throws the salt shaker or chokes. Or, we take turns letting him run around and greet his fellow diners. I used to mourn the loss of a quiet, savored lunch. But when I thought about it, I don't really remember them. They're a blur, whereas I could tell you about the time the Little Dude marched into the kitchen at Ruby's and told the line cooks, "Go!"

2. Sleeping in ... I haven't slept beyond the hour of eight since I was seven months pregnant. The Little Dude is now two years old. However, the 17 year-old high school senior next door often sleeps in till one in the afternoon. So I figure that in 15 years, I'll sleep again. In the meantime, I wouldn't miss a second of watching Thomas the Tank Engine on PBS with the Little Dude on my lap as the sun creeps through the cracks in our curtains.

3. A hot date ... I can remember the anticipation as I waited for my husband on our first date. I'd chopped off my hair and was this close to calling it off. Even though I was mortified and tongue-tied, I went through with it. Last week, I went on a date with my husband. Both of us ran through the house like our asses were on fire, making sure the Little Dude's jammies were in order and his favorite snacks on the counter for Omi to find. When we finally get to a restaurant we've never been to, or an old favorite, we have a lot more to talk about than on our first date. And my hair always looks better.

4. An empty laundry hamper ... I should buy stock in whoever makes laundry detergeant. When my mom comes to visit, she loves to do our laundry, especially the Little Dude's. She loves the smell of Dreft, the tiny clothes in her hands and folding the itty bitty socks into tight balls. I know one day I'll miss the piles of crib sheets and fluffy blankets with smiling bears on them, especially when I pull his Abercrombie and Fitch jeans out of the dryer and find a condom wrapper in the lint trapper.

However, the one thing I will wish for is to enjoy every moment of my Little Dude's little-ness. I love my dates with my husband and a gossipy lunch with the girls. But for now, kneeling on the floor and looking into the adoring, dancing eyes of my two year-old and saying, "I love you" is the best thing of all.

Showering: Non-Alcoholic Beverages

2007-08-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

If you suspect that your guest of honor will lay seige on the bar if she sees one of you drinking that mojito she's been craving for, I suggest serving a non-alcoholic cocktail. Preferably, her favorite to get her through the next few months of pregnancy and breast feeding!

Here are some recipes that I've tried in the past and they're so tasty that you might start serving these instead of the real thing. One, entertaining is less expensive without alcohol and two, if you live in California where all of us drive, you won't have to worry about your guests getting home in one piece.

Sparkling Mojito
A handful of ice cubes
1/4 cup of fresh lime juice
2 tsp of sugar
2 sprigs of mint
4 ounces of 7-Up or Sierra Mist soda

Combine the first four ingredients into a blender. Pour into a sugar rimmed glass and top off with the soda. Yields one cocktail.

Margarita Smoothie
12 oz. can of thawed lemonade concentrate
12 oz. can of thawed limeade concentrate
1 cup of powdered sugar, or 3/4 cup of agave nectar
6 cups of ice
1 quart of club soda

Mix the first three ingredients in a non-metal 4-quart container and store in the freezer. Remove the mix from the freezer 30 minutes before serving. For one drink, combine 2 cups of margarita mix with 1 cup of club soda and a 1/4 cup of ice into a blender. Rub the rim of the glass with a lime slice and dip into coarse salt before serving. Yields 24 cocktails.

Note: you can find agave nectar at most health food stores. I discovered it recently and no longer use sugar or artificial sweetner in my coffee and tea!

I also suggest Food Network chef, Ingrid Hoffman's Watermelon Lime Spritzer, or her Ginger Lime Crush.

Cocktail Girl III
Fine Art Print
by Shari Warren

Support: Who's Gonna Mama The Mama (and the difference between Spock and Landing Parties)

2007-08-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

By J.K. Mahal

My best friend asked me to contribute to this blog because I recently spent more than a month in Texas with my twin sister, helping her through the birth of her first baby.

A couple of things you should know about me: 1) I have no children, 2) Most of my close friends have had a baby in the last three years and 3) My husband and I do want to have kids in the near future.

With the number of stories I'd heard about childbirth and the amount of reading I'd done (Thank you Mayo Clinic), I thought I was pretty prepared for the birth of Maggie Mae. And for the most part I was. Yes, it was messy. Yes, it was painful for her before the epidural. And yes, it was scary -- especially because there were some complications during the birth and several days after. But it was mostly what I expected.

Okay, maybe the first major poop wasn't what I expected, but it was at 2 a.m. and I was on diaper duty, spelling for the father. Never knew such a small creature could create so much Kirk. (My sister's husband calls No. 1 Spock, No. 2 Kirk and both a full Landing Party.) The wipe companies made some money that night.

What I was less prepared for was what a difference hormones make to the mother. My usually rational, take-charge, kick-ass sister was not at her most rational in the weeks prior to and just after the birth. I found myself counting to ten and then twenty and then a hundred a lot. I just imagined the Count on Sesame Street and life got a little better.

I also didn't know how deeply new mothers need an advocate in the delivery room and the days right after. Regardless of whether it's a doula or a parent or a sister or a husband or a friend, new moms need someone who is just there for them. After all, everyone is interested in the baby ... but who's caring for the mother? And believe me, new moms need someone who will watch out for them, get them lunch or ask if they need anything. Someone who will clean their house or at least do a load of laundry.

The experience didn't change how I feel about wanting to become a parent, but it did make me aware of a few things. First off, I'm apologizing to my husband now for the crazy person I will be in the last few months before birth and the first few months after. Second, I'm designating someone, probably my sister, to be the designated taker-carer of the mother. It's a needed job.

I can't say I survived my sister's baby because, really, the process was a joy. Seeing my sister and her husband bring my niece into this world and watching how in love they all are with one another was and is indescribably beautiful. Even if it has meant changing a number of Landing Parties.

Reading Room: The Three Martini Playdate

2007-08-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

I gave up my masquerade as a normal human being when I was nine months pregnant. It was early August, hot and humid and I was four centimeters dilated for what felt like forever and still, the Little Dude had no intention of coming out. So I spent those last slow, syrupy days of freedom reading.

Although I didn't know it at the time, The Three Martini Playdate saved me from myself and all of noble intentions when the Little Dude. When one of the grandmas or my husband would encourage me to go out for a walk or a manicure, I'd start to protest but then underlying message of this book would whisper in my ear: in the whole scheme of things, I had a life before this little guy and if I was going to be any good to him (and unless I wanted to raise an aristobrat who treated me like a slave), I had to make myself a priority. No one is ever gonna show up on my doorstep with balloons and a million dollar check for the sacrifices I make to raise the Little Dude. But when I take the time to gave girlfriends over and teach my son that mommy can have her time every now and then, I'll take a martini over some stupid balloons any day.

But the million bucks would be nice.

Where was I? Oh yes, I recommend this book for every mama-to-be because Christie Mellor's style is laugh-out-loud funny, wise and honest. There's no judgemental finger pointing back at you from the pages for not breastfeeding or going all natural or whatever is proclaimed as what all good mothers do. Instead, it's a reminder that parents can grab the wheel back from the hands of their reigning toddler.

With concise chapters, it's also a great read to take to your pedicure, or your lunch break.

Check it out:

Support: Girlfriend Getaways

2007-08-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Last month, my best buds and I attended the Romance Writers of America National Conference in Dallas. It was a psuedo work-play, four-day weekend that I could write off my taxes, and my girlfriends could network with potential agents and editors for their books. In other words, it was the perfect excuse to con our husbands into staying home with the kids!

But it turned out to be something more than that. We reforged our friendship as a group and one-on-one even though we had to take turns sleeping on the floor (the hotel booked us into a room with a full-sized bed and allegedly had only one roll-away for the entire facility), and I had to breakaway from the group for author-only events with my publisher.

The highlight was the Za Spa at Hotel ZaZa where we escaped to on our last day at the conference. Yes, we skipped out on afternoon workshops and seminars, and I could've driven from bookstore to bookstore, diligently signing stock. And yes, it set us back on the budget. (Also, the Za Spa automatically charges a gratuity to your service, which wasn't a problem for me but some people might not appreciate it.)

Anway the thing is, if we didn't take the time to be with each other - share new ideas and secrets, encourage each other to do something daring and exciting and yes, gossip about people behind their backs - our friendships would suffer for it. My advice: be a leeetle bit selfish and talk your significant other into taking the kids, or letting you take some cash out of the bank to relaz, rejuvenate and reconnect with your girlfriend.

Resources:
Girlfriend Getaways
Travels With Tish
BYOG (Bring Your Own Girlfriend)

Support: Natural or Nuts?

2007-04-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with my now 19 month-old son, I wanted the all-natural birth experience.

My mama-in-action friends thought I was nuts. My mom and mother-in-law thought so, too. But I was convinced that it was the right way to give birth.

Oh, if only I could go back in time and tell that naive mama-to-be that there is no right way to do anything, especially birth.

So here's the thing: if your friend is determined to do all the yoga and breathing and hypnosis stuff, just let her be. Hell, play the Beatles song if that's what you have to do to keep your mouth shut.

Why?

Well, even if I could go back in time and give myself a good talking-to, I never would have listened. Yes, I set myself up for a huge disappointment when my son was a "failure to descend" and my only option was emergency C-section. Yes, I felt like an utter failure for months after the birth. And yes, I was terribly jealous of women who only had to sneeze to push their babies out.

But here's the irony in life: I wouldn't be the person I am now, without that experience. If I had been born a century ago, me and my Little Dude would have been dead from the complications I had experienced. (Do I appreciate modern medicine now!) Even more so, I have a greater appreciation for life and the process we women endure to bring new life into this world.

As family and friends, we often have to sit back and watch our loved ones stumble into a mess that we can see a mile away but they can't. We can try to talk them out of it but usually, no one listens (ahem ... especially me!). All we can do is be prepared to step in, pull them out of the wreckage and then years later over cocktails, have a good chuckle over the whole thing.

So you may think your mama-to-be is nuts for going natural, or for signing up for her epidural three months before she's due. Either way, just let it be. Be there for her before and after; when she's in the depths of despair or at the height of maternal ecstasy. Your friendship will be better for it.

Support: Is She Just Not That Into You?

2007-01-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Are you jealous of all the new mommy friends that your mama buddy has been making lately? Has she stopped calling or emailing? Do you fear that now she's pregnant, or a mom that she's just not that into you?

Trust me on this: don't be jealous of her new mommy friends. Believe it or not, your mama buddy needs you.

When I get together with my unencumbered friend, there's a pattern to our conversation. First, I get all the Little Dude updates off my chest and then she gets all her stuff out of the way. After the preliminaries, we talk about other stuff like what's happening in the news or what her obnoxious colleague said. (The one thing I miss about working in an office, believe it or not, is the drama. Great character fodder!) We talk about anything but motherhood and for me, it's a brief sabbatical.

Fellow mama, author and blogger of Mommy Writer, Bethany Hiitola has found that it takes effort on her part as well as her friends to keep up the friendship. "Suddenly, our lives become out of our control a little more than normal (when the kiddo gets sick, cranky, playdate, etc) we have more responsibilities to tend to, and thus our time to stay in touch diminishes," she wrote. "But for those that are close, e-mail is key. And hand-written letters of HELLO."

So if your mama buddy isn't calling as often as she used to, take the initiative and send her an e-card or take a picture of yourself with the caption, "remember me?"

***
Check out Louise Ahern's take at her blog, Opting Out

Showering: The Gift That Gives The Most

2007-01-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

I came up with this idea last night while writing my Christmas thank-you's and thought why didn't I come up with this earlier! This is a perfect, low-cost gift from the baby or bridal shower hostess. Give the guest of honor a package of really nice thank-you cards that you pre-address to the guests and stamp. All the mama or bride-to-be has to do is write her messages, stick them in the envelopes and then send them off!

Will she love you or what?

Or, take it one step further and print out clear mailing labels the mama-to-be can use for her baby announcements ... oh yeah baby.

P.S. Leslie Harpold did a great piece on the art of writing the thank you note. Check it out.

Generosity: Baby Stuff Scares Me

2006-12-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

When I had to get a shower gift for my first mama-to-be friend, I half-seriously thought that walking into Babies-R-Us could get me pregnant. Which is why I ended up going to Costco and getting her a huge-normous box of diapers.

But if I knew then what I know now... She'd probably still be my friend!

So if baby things scare you, here are a couple of really cool gifts that will make everyone at the shower think you're too cool for school.

1. My son loves his Ugly Dolls, Babo and Ugly Dog. Every morning he grabs Babo, Ugly Dog and Gugu (not an Ugly Doll but a stuffed dog that his cousin gave him) and gives them morning kisses. The Little Dude loves them so much that he gave Tray (Babo's best friend in the Ugly Doll world) to his friend who will should be arriving in this spring. How's that for an endorsement?

2. Urban Smalls clothing. I love to take my Little Dude out in t-his shirt that says, "Chicks Dig Me." The material is soft and comfy, the sizing is pretty dead-on compared to most brands and the neck is stretchy so it doesn't squish his nose or ears during the application process. Also, it makes people laugh.

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ... a Gen-X Christmas classic! This came on the TV the other night and we watched it with Little Dude. It was a magic moment because I remembered watching it as a kid with my parents and thinking that the other reindeers were a bunch of punks. Come to think of it, Santa was a real punk to Rudolph, too. Anyway, the only other Christmas classic that could top this one is A Charlie Brown Christmas and the cool Vince Guaraldi soundtrack.

Support: Oh where, oh where

2006-12-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

Note that I'm a day late in updating this blog. Why? Well, I met up with my folks at Knotts Berry Farm all day Saturday. The husband has needed the entire past week as well as Sunday to finish his screenplay that's due today, and then yesterday, I did a booksigning at my local Curves. Notice that there was no mention of a mani/pedi, shopping, quietly reading a book, writing or paying my make-believe nanny and housekeeper over time. My Little Dude is trying to walk and I'm not sure that encouraging him is such a great idea.

Unfortunately, mamas-in-action tend to disappear like I did for days at a time. But when you actually catch your friend on the phone, you have about 85-percent of her attention. And just when you're getting to the good part about your pinche boss, mama abruptly hangs up because: (a) the baby wakes up, (b) the toddler removes diaper and contents on the kitchen floor or (c) the toddler finds the other phone and discovers the "end" button.

How do you cope with the frustration that you can't just call her up and vent for an hour about your insensitive husband and his mother? My advice is to keep it to yourself. Stifle those comments about the screaming child (a mom from Curves told us that her friend told her to stick a pillow over her screaming three-year-old's face). When your mama-in-action hangs up, send off an email that you hope she's still alive and next Friday is Girl's Night or lunch.

Trust me, your mama-in-action is just as frustrated as you are. Ever hear that line, "A nap! A nap! My kingdom for a nap!" Okay so it was for a horse, but you get the idea. When I have the Little Dude and there's no nap or grandma in sight, I'm dying for conversation with real words. I miss my friends. I want to know what they're up to because there are days when it feels like there's a whole world that is passing me by.

But the Three Wise Grandmas - my mom, mother-in-law and Sandy, Dana's mom - assure me that this time will pass. I might even look back and laugh (I certainly will when the Little Dude is chasing after his little dude!) They tell me that one day I'll miss this time and the friends who stuck with me through it all will be the ones worth keeping.

Showering: The Mama Shower

2006-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

If you tremble at the idea of measuring your friend’s tummy with toilet paper, or browsing the endless aisles of baby stores, toss out those old-timey visions of a baby shower and throw a mama shower.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Girls night out: my girlfriends took me to a sexy French bistro and showered me with their favorite childhood books and my baby bedding set. We dressed up and I got to sniff their cocktails. Unforgettable.

Day at the spa: Everyone chips for mama's treatment and away you go. But make sure she’s clear to have a pregnancy massage or facial treatment. Or, host it at your place with stations for face, hands and feet with delicious snacks and alcohol-free cocktails.

Movie night: If your mama-to-be is on bed rest, gather up the posse and head to her place with a movie, popcorn and snacks. She’ll weep with gratitude. (So bring Kleenex, too.)

After-delivery party: Perhaps you just couldn’t get together before the baby … it happens, but this might even be more fun because - unless she’s breast feeding - the new mama-in-action can drink! Have the group chip in for a fancy bottle of bubbly and then ask all those delivery-room details you're dying to know.

Cheers!

Support: Reacting to the News

2006-11-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

Just when you thought you bought your last wedding gift, your best friend calls with the big news: I'm having a baby!

You may be surprised by your reaction. I sure as hell was when my next dorm neighbor told me she was expecting, my heart plummeted like a runaway elevator and I oh so diplomatically blurted, “What are you going to do?”

(She was 19, unmarried and we hadn’t finished the first semester of our freshman year. I was young and foolish but still, you think I would've just told her congratulations.)

The reaction to the news is critical because mamas have a tendency to remember such things. My mama pal of two recalled her sister’s reaction: “You did it because you wanted to be the star of the holidays, didn't you?”

Another pal of one said that her cubicle neighbor remarked, “You’ll regret it.” My husband’s co-worker first words to me was, “They’re incredibly manipulative creatures and they won’t be interesting until they’re three.”

My advice - even if you hate her cheating, lazy-assed, leeching boyfriend or husband who provided the sperm for this new bundle of joy– is to just say, “Wow. How are you feeling? Can I take you out to dinner?”

Or something along those lines.

Even if her circumstances are unstable, or you just don’t see her as a mama (and that will be another blog), she may need you as her lifeline through the biggest transformation of her life.

Generosity: Holiday Gifts For Mom's

2006-11-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

Just when your tryptophan buzz wears off, it's time to shop for the holidays. Here are five fantastic gift ideas for your mama-to-be buddy, or your mama-in-action pal.

Mama-To-Be's

1. I was too poor to get a maternity massage when I was pregnant, and too slow to use a gift certificate friends had given me for my baby shower. (I was four centimeters dilated at 34 weeks and my OB said no massages!) This is a wonderful treat, especially if you make it a girl's day at the spa! However if your friend is on bed rest, this would not be a good option until after the baby arrives. If she's a girly girl, check out products like the Mama Care Pack by Motherlove. They're organic, safe and she'll be your best friend forever.

2. I loved my Waiting for Baby pregnancy journal. It gave me a place to keep my ultra sound pictures, keep track of my measurements and record my thoughts and feelings. Recently, I went through it and realized I had forgotten some of those special moments that I was certain I would never forget.

3. My husband hated it, but I would not have survived without my Maternity Pillow. My pillow provided belly support during, and lower back support after the baby. Trust me, sleepless nights start well before the baby arrives.

4. Sometimes there's that special something she'd never buy for her wardrobe. If she's into comfy, try the 1 In The Oven Berry Sweatshirt. Or, glam her up with something like the Chiarakruza Georgia Top. Resist buying her pants or skirts because she may have a sensitive belly and prefer certain cuts.

5. One of the best gifts I received was a bottle of Dom Perignon vintage1996. I couldn't wait to open it. Just the thought of it sitting in my refrigerator comforted me during labor. If you can't afford the Dom, try a Cava or California Sparkling wine.

Mama's-In-Action

1. Baby Einstein Lullabies and Sweet Dreams music CD may seem like a baby gift, but it isn't. You will be giving your friend the gift of quiet baby. I had copies in each car and in my Little Dude's CD player to calm him when nothing else would. If you really want to put a gold star next to your name, add a Baby Einstein video. Yes, we all know that TV is the source of all evil but dude, when a teething baby has been kicking your behind all day, you'll do anything for a few moments of peace and quiet.

2. Contrary to what we see in the movies and TV, mommies still look pregnant after they give birth. As she loses weight, she'll need a little help and that's where the Belly Basics Black Transition Kit comes handy. For weeks, mommies aren't small enough for their old clothes, nor are they large enough (thankfully!) for their maternity wardrobe.

3. Take her away to a spa or tea time. Or, for the sushi and sake she had to give up while pregnant and nursing. Or, cocktails. Or- You get the picture. She'll appreciate the adult conversation and you'll reconnect with your friend.

4. If you're comfortable doing so, baby sitting is a wonderful gift. Mama and daddy can go on a date, or she can savor a few hours of peace and quiet. If mama declines, don't take it personally. If you're close to her mom, maybe cook up a plan so grandma will take the baby and you'll take the mama.

5. There's nothing like a new hand bag to make a mama feel like a woman again. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to retire the boring, black diaper bag I used for the Little Dude's first year. I went out and bought myself a stylish, not-quite-a-mom purse from Le Target. It's inexpensive, has enough room for my journal and a clean diaper.