By J.K. Mahal
My best friend asked me to contribute to this blog because I recently spent more than a month in Texas with my twin sister, helping her through the birth of her first baby.
A couple of things you should know about me: 1) I have no children, 2) Most of my close friends have had a baby in the last three years and 3) My husband and I do want to have kids in the near future.
With the number of stories I'd heard about childbirth and the amount of reading I'd done (Thank you Mayo Clinic), I thought I was pretty prepared for the birth of Maggie Mae. And for the most part I was. Yes, it was messy. Yes, it was painful for her before the epidural. And yes, it was scary -- especially because there were some complications during the birth and several days after. But it was mostly what I expected.
Okay, maybe the first major poop wasn't what I expected, but it was at 2 a.m. and I was on diaper duty, spelling for the father. Never knew such a small creature could create so much Kirk. (My sister's husband calls No. 1 Spock, No. 2 Kirk and both a full Landing Party.) The wipe companies made some money that night.
What I was less prepared for was what a difference hormones make to the mother. My usually rational, take-charge, kick-ass sister was not at her most rational in the weeks prior to and just after the birth. I found myself counting to ten and then twenty and then a hundred a lot. I just imagined the Count on Sesame Street and life got a little better.
I also didn't know how deeply new mothers need an advocate in the delivery room and the days right after. Regardless of whether it's a doula or a parent or a sister or a husband or a friend, new moms need someone who is just there for them. After all, everyone is interested in the baby ... but who's caring for the mother? And believe me, new moms need someone who will watch out for them, get them lunch or ask if they need anything. Someone who will clean their house or at least do a load of laundry.
The experience didn't change how I feel about wanting to become a parent, but it did make me aware of a few things. First off, I'm apologizing to my husband now for the crazy person I will be in the last few months before birth and the first few months after. Second, I'm designating someone, probably my sister, to be the designated taker-carer of the mother. It's a needed job.
I can't say I survived my sister's baby because, really, the process was a joy. Seeing my sister and her husband bring my niece into this world and watching how in love they all are with one another was and is indescribably beautiful. Even if it has meant changing a number of Landing Parties.
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Support: Natural or Nuts?
When I was pregnant with my now 19 month-old son, I wanted the all-natural birth experience.
My mama-in-action friends thought I was nuts. My mom and mother-in-law thought so, too. But I was convinced that it was the right way to give birth.
Oh, if only I could go back in time and tell that naive mama-to-be that there is no right way to do anything, especially birth.
So here's the thing: if your friend is determined to do all the yoga and breathing and hypnosis stuff, just let her be. Hell, play the Beatles song if that's what you have to do to keep your mouth shut.
Why?
Well, even if I could go back in time and give myself a good talking-to, I never would have listened. Yes, I set myself up for a huge disappointment when my son was a "failure to descend" and my only option was emergency C-section. Yes, I felt like an utter failure for months after the birth. And yes, I was terribly jealous of women who only had to sneeze to push their babies out.
But here's the irony in life: I wouldn't be the person I am now, without that experience. If I had been born a century ago, me and my Little Dude would have been dead from the complications I had experienced. (Do I appreciate modern medicine now!) Even more so, I have a greater appreciation for life and the process we women endure to bring new life into this world.
As family and friends, we often have to sit back and watch our loved ones stumble into a mess that we can see a mile away but they can't. We can try to talk them out of it but usually, no one listens (ahem ... especially me!). All we can do is be prepared to step in, pull them out of the wreckage and then years later over cocktails, have a good chuckle over the whole thing.
So you may think your mama-to-be is nuts for going natural, or for signing up for her epidural three months before she's due. Either way, just let it be. Be there for her before and after; when she's in the depths of despair or at the height of maternal ecstasy. Your friendship will be better for it.
My mama-in-action friends thought I was nuts. My mom and mother-in-law thought so, too. But I was convinced that it was the right way to give birth.
Oh, if only I could go back in time and tell that naive mama-to-be that there is no right way to do anything, especially birth.
So here's the thing: if your friend is determined to do all the yoga and breathing and hypnosis stuff, just let her be. Hell, play the Beatles song if that's what you have to do to keep your mouth shut.
Why?
Well, even if I could go back in time and give myself a good talking-to, I never would have listened. Yes, I set myself up for a huge disappointment when my son was a "failure to descend" and my only option was emergency C-section. Yes, I felt like an utter failure for months after the birth. And yes, I was terribly jealous of women who only had to sneeze to push their babies out.
But here's the irony in life: I wouldn't be the person I am now, without that experience. If I had been born a century ago, me and my Little Dude would have been dead from the complications I had experienced. (Do I appreciate modern medicine now!) Even more so, I have a greater appreciation for life and the process we women endure to bring new life into this world.
As family and friends, we often have to sit back and watch our loved ones stumble into a mess that we can see a mile away but they can't. We can try to talk them out of it but usually, no one listens (ahem ... especially me!). All we can do is be prepared to step in, pull them out of the wreckage and then years later over cocktails, have a good chuckle over the whole thing.
So you may think your mama-to-be is nuts for going natural, or for signing up for her epidural three months before she's due. Either way, just let it be. Be there for her before and after; when she's in the depths of despair or at the height of maternal ecstasy. Your friendship will be better for it.
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